I found myself reminiscing today. I have recently renewed contact with some friends who I knew and was close with before I was married and had children and became a farmer, canner, and homebirthing mama.
I was a different person, but well on my way to becoming who I am today.
One of these friends was only a young child at the time. I remembered my relationship with her and her family. How I remember the arguments I had with her mother, and the worry and pain in my heart as I watched my family friend make wrong choice after wrong choice. I wished so very futilely that I was the little girl's mother. I could do nothing as she treated her children like tools of manipulation when it suited her and neglected them dreadfully when it didn't. I did contact the 'authorities' at the time for the safety of these children. My concerns were dismissed.
I remember walking away with one and only one thought to sustain me. I may not have the power to change the lives of others' children.... but I would have power for my own.
I wouldn't make those mistakes with my babies. I would love my children more than.... anything. I would NEVER accept second best for me or for them. I would fight the world if I had to.
It was shortly after this that my doctor told me I would never be able to have children. As she listed the medically complicated reasons for this diagnosis, my mind clammered and my heart cried. I barely heard a word she said after that.
I prayed alot about it of course. But to this.... there was no answer. The Lord clearly gave me some directions and some specific promises. But never once was there a word or a hint regarding a child. So I figured the answer was no.
A few years later I re-met my husband (awesome story for another time) and when it became clear to me that things were moving towards a lifetime commitment I braced myself for this conversation.
"The doctor's said I can't have babies."
He wasn't phased. So I tried to make sure that he understood that this was something he should probably pay attention to. Especially knowing that my husband LOVED children and is one of those guys who gains instant rapport with shy kids everywhere he goes.
"I really think you should know that I can't have babies."
He stopped and looked at me very solidly and calmly. "When I look at you, I see my children. I don't care what a doctor said."
I find it fascinating still that the Lord promised me so many things. But this promise, the one that my heart was rent over, the one that I had actually been so devastated upon hearing that I didn't tell ANYONE for years, the one that my soul could barely pray for because I had already given up on....
This promise, He gave to my husband.
We had that conversation .... 7.5 years ago. We now have 3 beautiful children.
As I look back to that time so long ago..... I remember how sad I was, how hopeless.
And I see where I am today... I see how happy I am, and how blessed.
We all have times of trouble, doubt, fear and sadness. How will it turn out? There is ONE and ONLY ONE thing you can do to get through it. Lean on the Lord. It doesn't make it immediately alright. It doesn't make it all go away and bring the sunshine in. But if you lean on the Lord, and really do what He wants you to be doing, He will bless you, guide you, and bring you to that place of joy. No matter how dark the valley is that you are walking.... HE can lead you out.
If you do.... you too will be able to look back on your life and your struggle. You will be able to breath deep, smile and thank the Lord for it. These moments make us who we are and with the Lord's guidance.... He will make it and you beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgBlhb1yRXs - Jars of Clay, The Valley Song
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