Friday, January 14, 2011

My Very Own Emotional Roller Coaster

Today I am emotional.  I'm not sure why.  But it isn't pretty.

I had a screaming fight with my husband, when he actually just needed a listening ear to air out his griefs.

I sobbed in front of my children.  I huffed angrily about my daily duties.

I recognize that I am VERY pregnant.  But I hate using those "raging hormones" to excuse poor behavior.  Am I just tired?  Am I just uncomfortable walking, sitting, attempting against all hope to tie my shoes???

Or is there something else bothering me?

Fortunately... I had some dishes to do.  And I found a kids movie that they haven't watched in a long while.  So in the midst of my daily grind, I found blessed alone and quiet time.  Yes.... I have discovered that dishes CAN be "ME" time.

And I prayed.  What is my problem?  Why am I being "that" person?  I can imagine, easily, the wagging tongues if others knew about my shameful behavior.

Many would say, I am such a poor, put upon wife.  So much expected of me.  So many duties on just these two soft shoulders.  Never having my NEED for partying and fun and freeeeeeeedom from all my terrible obligations.  My slave driving husband managing to rule the roost and have his steak too.

And others would say, I am a fake.  I put on this little facade of the perfect little wife.  Submissive to my husband and taking such great care of children and home, and serving the Lord.  But in reality, I am just a manipulative, lying woman, whose flawed, weak will is showing itself AGAIN.

I break a little at this point, imagining all these pointing fingers at me and my family.  It is so impossible to please everyone.

But I remember too.... I don't need to please everyone.  Because IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

And it is not fruitful.

After all..... in the end of our lives we will stand and answer to One and ONLY One.

So I remind myself.... what does HE think?

I ask again, "What is the problem?"

What's going on in my life right now?  Not much.  I've been canning exciting new recipes, doing school with the kids.  Really it is just the normal daily stuff here.

Oh wait....

There is a baby on the way.

And

We're house hunting this weekend.

But those are purely happy thoughts right??

But I remember, that my baby girl who is now almost 2 was born in THIS house.  And somehow, amidst my complaining about how little it was, and I didn't like the neighborhood and didn't trust my neighbors at all, this house has become our home.

My son learned to walk on these floors.  He learned to run and jump and flip light switches.

My children filled these walls with their artwork and their laughter.

I've been reminded often lately that little children like routines, and do not respond well to change.  They do not like change.  They HATE change.  It is frightening to them.  Even when it is good.

My baby girl is very upset that soon a new baby will be coming into our family and nursing beside her.  Even though I have assured her that the baby will love her, and she will love that baby, just as Isaiah loves her and she loves him.... She is afraid of change.

And I too.... am afraid.

I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day we would move out of this one bedroom in the ghetto.... and prayed and dreamed and hoped of our lives spent in a big garden and under fruit trees and gathered in our kitchen that holds more that 1.5 people...

But I am also afraid of it.

I have grown so comfortable here.  I fear the labor involved, I fear the debt... but mostly I fear ... the unknown.  What if it didn't turn out like my dreams at all?  What if the roof leaks, the carpet stinks, the basement floods, the garden doesn't grow, my fruit trees die?

My fears REALLY take off once they get a listening ear.

But God has already given me verse after verse in the last few weeks and months about my future home.

And I recall them now....

But the land which you cross over to possess is a land of hills and valleys, which drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the LORD your God cares; the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it, from the beginning of the year to the very end of the year.  - Deuteronomy 11:11-12

Then it shall come to pass, because you listen to these judgments, and keep and do them, that the LORD your God will keep with you the covenant and the mercy which He swore to your fathers. And He will love you and bless you and multiply you; He will also bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your land, your grain and your new wine and your oil, the increase of your cattle and the offspring of your flock, in the land of which He swore to your fathers to give you. You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. - Deuteronomy 7:12-14

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. - 1 Corinthians 15:58

And the verse I come back to again and again...

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

The Lord promises good to me and my household as we follow and cling to HIM.  And our belief in HIS promises is what makes us righteous and pleasing in HIS sight...

Just as Abraham “believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness." - Galatians 3:6

----

“And now, O Lord GOD, You are God, and Your words are true, and You have promised this goodness to Your servant." - 2 Samuel 7:28

I realize..... I don't feel so fearful now.  I feel pretty good.

And Blessed.

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1 comment:

  1. It is funny to go back and see myself struggle with EXACTLY the same things over and over again.

    "I have prayed and hoped and dreamed of the day we would move out of this one bedroom in the ghetto.... and prayed and dreamed and hoped of our lives spent in a big garden and under fruit trees and gathered in our kitchen that holds more that 1.5 people...

    But I am also afraid of it.

    I have grown so comfortable here. I fear the labor involved, I fear the debt... but mostly I fear ... the unknown. What if it didn't turn out like my dreams at all? What if the roof leaks, the carpet stinks, the basement floods, the garden doesn't grow, my fruit trees die?"

    It's especially funny, because....
    I got EXACTLY what I prayed for. A bigger house, a HUGE yard, with TREES, TREES, and more TREES. I have a piece of sky that is all mine.

    And

    My roof does leak.
    My carpet doesn't stink, but it is a constant struggle to keep clean.
    No basement, but my Laundry room had a leak and now there is no wall between my master bedroom and the washer.
    My garden after three years FINALLY grew something.
    And many of my fruit trees did die.

    I stand now... in the midst of this prayer.
    And....
    I still see.

    I am blessed.
    YHWH cared for me and mine.
    YHWH's eyes were upon me and mine.

    May my praise be EVER upon my lips.

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