"I watch the faces of single people in their twenties after I bring up that I ‘have children.’
I imagine them taking a small step backward as if to avoid contagion,
with a look of ‘Sorry to hear that’ on their face.
Like I naively volunteered to contract leprosy, forever quarantining myself
from the world of having fun by having children.
Well, why not?
I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial.
What exactly am I missing out on?
Money?
A few more hours of sleep?
A more peaceful meal?
More hair?
These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.
I believe each of my five children has made me a better man.
So I figure I only need another thirty-four kids to be a pretty decent guy.
Each one of them has been a pump of light into my shriveled black heart.
I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat.
Well, it depends on how much hair.”
Jim Gaffigan
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