My Own Dreams ~ Vs His

Ladies Against Feminism: Promoting Beautiful Womanhood have written a beautiful and thought provoking blog ~ A Dream Deferred.

I consider it thoughtfully, as I recognize that for the last couple of weeks... maybe months... maybe years... I have looked back at my own goals and dreams with regret. I have this baggage that I have been carrying for so long.

I wanted to go to school. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be something. My name would be known by at least a decent crowd of educated, well to do, other somebodies. Thoughts of me would be filled with more than a little admiration and respect, recognition for my small but noble achievements.

But here, now, I am a stay at home wife with two children. My daily routine is to break up fights over the legos, wash ketchup out of my daughter's hair, help my son find a matching pair of socks in his drawers, gather all the dirty laundry to find that I left yesterday's load in the washer, and try to make a meal with only milk and rice in the house.

I feel like I am not there. Where is Caroline? Where did she go? Where is the girl who would go on walks in the rain through the city of Vancouver at night? Where is the girl who wrote poems about every emotion that welled within her? Where is the girl that earned the nickname La Soñador, those many years ago in school?

A good friend of mine also recently sent me an email regarding these very thoughts... The Invisible Mom.

I am reminded of the choices that I have made in the past, that led me to this place. This may not have been what I had in mind when I started. But I have no doubt, that this is indeed what the Lord willed for me. As I was confronted with each major crossroads.... I had a choice to make.

Do I do what I want to do?

Or do I do what He wants me to?

There were times when the decision was easy. The path was clear, and well lit. I could easily see good outcomes from my actions and choices.

There were times though, when the decision was hard. My heart railed within me. It was not what I wanted. It was not clear. And it was more than a little frightening.

But I look and see what has come of it.

My marriage is strong and loving, filled with laughter and touch.
My children are beautiful and healthy, with kisses and smiles for me every morning.
And my home, though small and cluttered, is safe and secure.

Whatever my dreams were, they could not truly have made me as happy as I am now.

So with a thankful heart, I lay my dreams at His feet. "Do with them what you will Lord. And I will trust in You."